HOme? what's that?

to me, staying at this place called "home" is not happy at all
when i was in Australia, i hope that i can be at HOME
be surrounded by people that love me
i look forward to go HOME

now i am at HOME
but happiness doesn't come to me instead desaster!
i am literally not happy at  all
why? too many reasons

1. not peaceful at all
HOME should be my sheild, a place that i am 100% comfortable with
yet, this place is only filled with quarrels, arguements....
no trace of peace can be found
i try to avoid by not giving any comments or keep my mouth shut
but, it doesn't help, making the situation worst

2. need to plea everybody
i thought HOME suppose to me a place where i can be my true self
i don't need to wear a MASK and hide my feeling
my so called FAMILY will accept who I am
i am WRONG, totally WRONG
i not only need to hide my feelings and wear a super FAKE MASK but need to be very careful of every single word i used
i need to say things that my FAMILY wants to hear and not my opinion although they ask for my "opinion"

3. no space for me
i thought my things will remain as i leave
when i saw my wardrode is messy and full of my sis's clothes
when i notice that my table is filled with empty plastic bags
my bed is untidy and things that belogs to my beother are all over it
i know i am WRONG again

4.warm? i feel cold
yes, the weather is super hot compare to melbourne
however, my heart is COLD, super cold
everything that i do seems to be wrong
the way i talk, the way i stand.... even the way i dry my clothes
i am not accepted by my family
can u imagine the my mum asked me
"WHY YOU JUST CAME BACK THEN U QUARREL WITH UR SIS?"
everybody don't like you
feel ike crying but i don't even dare to cry

5. mum
i know i shouldn't but still i cannot stop myself
the centre peoblem of the whole thing is deal with my mum
whenever i said something that doesn't make her happy she will reply
"u thought u are very smart, you are just a student, using my money to study & enjoy. if you are not happy just go back. i didn't want u to come back also!"

perhaps, only God can tolerate me
in this house, there will always have a space for me
He will accept who I am and provide whatever that i need
though Him i found peace and warm
yet, He is the only who asked me  to come back, why is He treating me like this?